Hello all,

I just wanted to share my experiences as a gay in the Ruhr-area of Germany with you.

The personal coming out

You don't wake up in the morning and become gay. No, it is a process and also a journey that you first have to go on yourself. There are very different beginnings and moments that can make you wonder. A film in which the main actor was totally great. Was it the film plot or the actor himself? Or you let your best friend get away with everything and don't really know why? Then you start to question a lot of things. For some it happens quite quickly because they realize their feelings early on, for others it takes longer. It is often a turning point in life. Do I really not want children? Can I stay here in the village? Do I have to move to the city? What if I just ignore it? The environment is also a factor: if the topic is taboo in the family or the relationship with the parents is not as open as required, you are quickly left on your own as a gay man. One must first become clear about one's sexuality. Finding yourself can be a long journey, and only then can you move on.

The coming out

After the "inner coming out", most people don’t go to their parents first, but to their best friends -  and you are very curious about their reaction. Based on these experiences, the process continues at home. The biggest difficulty is finding the right time. You can't really prepare it. Mostly a certain situation is necessary and then also at this moment a good portion of courage. An example from life: "We'll put this in the attic for a while, for when you have children, then you'll be really glad for all the things that you don't have to buy right away." - "I don't think that will be necessary. We need to talk." Of course, that doesn't apply to everyone. Actually all gays can say something about it and you hear the wildest stories. From "Yeah ok, I thought so" to "Get out and never come back" everything can happen. Everyone can imagine how much courage you need to come out in front of the family.

The colleagues reactions

What is it like among colleagues? Do I have to tell them? What if they find out? How will each one react? In the end, everyone has to work that out for themselves. For me, the conversations with my colleagues were important. Hiding, so that no one would notice, was just too exhausting for me. If someone talked about family matters, I would withdraw for fear that they might ask me something about my future family plans.  When asked how my weekend had been, the person had to be satisfied with a "good" or "normal". So I wanted to end that by coming out in the workshop. The method was simple. I told the biggest gossip - the man who saw himself as official newsmonger or something like that - "I'm gay. But you must not tell anyone", then the work was done in a single hour and I just had to wait for the reactions. After the first check-ins from my colleagues as to whether it was really the case, most of them were rather perplexed; but this was quickly replaced by curiosity. If someone did make a negative comment on this subject, the other colleagues defended me. I never really had to justify myself. So, on the whole, it was a good experience and it also brought me personal advantages. For example, if I was considered strange and uncommunicative before, now they knew where I stood and were more likely to give me tasks that I wasn't allowed to do before. I was able to bring more calmness into my work. I was happy to be asked more about my work because I no longer had to be careful not to give myself away. Working became easier and more pleasant. And my colleagues also became more open to each other, which benefited the whole departmental climate.

Reactions from the Group

Yes, this is where it gets difficult. There was nothing. Once an e-mail was sent, saying that we must not discriminate against anyone, regardless of gender, origin, religion or sexual orientation. That was all there was for a long time. When I asked for the special leave days for the registration of the partnership with my husband, it led to weeks of indecision. For years, I found no fellow campaigners on the subject of LGBT*IQ in the RWE Group. When I then moved from the workshop to the office, the first people were found very tentatively and the LGBT*IQ & Friends network slowly developed. Personally, it gives me insights into completely different areas of the Group. The headquarters in Essen is not just a picture on the monitor -  you know people who work there. The most diverse professions or areas of responsibility are represented in our network and yet we are all united by the LGBT*IQ background and the RWE Group, which makes the network possible for us.

At the age of 5 I first noticed that something “wasn’t right” about me: I felt happiness, confusion and shame all at once when someone thought I was a girl!

I couldn’t talk to anyone about those feelings and hid them – just as I hid the nice sensation I got from trying on my mother’s wedding dress. As my preference for female traits increased, I developed a strong aversion towards typically male traits: I vigorously refused to wear a suit and tie and didn’t want to change in the boys locker room in front of the other boys.

On the other hand, I wanted to be accepted. So I kept some ‘male hobbies’ and tried everything possible to hide my developing female identity in front of other people. I was always fascinated by girls and I fell in love with them several times. At the age of 19 I found the love of my life, to whom I have been married for 30 years: we now have 3 wonderful kids. The first attempt to tell my 14 year old friend about my longings was misunderstood and abruptly dismissed.

A parallel world built up inside me and I couldn’t explain it until I saw a documentary about a trans*woman on TV. I was filled with fascination, longing but also resistance at the same time. This was me! On the other hand, I feared the consequences of what might be ahead and didn’t want this at all. I refused to let myself access further information about the topic and kept this self-denial up for 24 years – until the day internet research validated my self-diagnosis of “transidentity”.

My ‘outing’ two years later included over 180 conversations and I was really happy about the fact that I received over 95% positive feedback – especially in the working environment. I had expected to experience mockery and social exclusion. After that, everything moved very quickly: the change of legal identity and change of my name followed in 2019. Since then I have been living happily as a woman.

A few years ago, I transitioned from male to female during my employment at the RWE Supply & Trading.

Similar to stories of other trans people, my transition resulted after decades of suppressing my true identity. Nowadays,  it is scientifically proven that the sexual identity – like the sexual orientation – is not changeable, but deeply rooted in us. One cannot suppress that forever, but I also had enormous fears of negative consequences.

Only a private crisis led to me breaking through my suppression mechanisms: I gradually permitted myself more and more of my female identity in my private life. Some colleagues at work made comments on my new look, because my hair grew longer and longer. Once, a colleague commented humorously on some eyeliner that was left around my eyes: “Have you been to a Goth disco at the weekend?” – the stretch between personal and work life grew bigger and bigger.

I made the decision to live fully as a woman at work after numerous sleepless nights. I received a lot of support and positive reactions - I was very relieved! After a short period of time I was accepted as a female colleague appreciated as much as the male colleague they had once known me as. My private life wasn’t easy at the time and my work life was a big anchor for my mental stability.

Suppression and hiding costs a lot of energy. I can now invest this energy in both work and private life much better.

That is why I engage in the LGBT*IQ network at RWE and want to say: You don’t have to hide! You can be who you are!